Originally posted on October 17, 2014 

I remember a day when being awake in the middle of the night was a normal part of who I was. Of course, there was usually alcohol or cocaine, or both, involved and I was much younger. I also thought I was immortal, could scale walls, and nothing in the world could touch me.

This night, some thirty years later, when I am up at this hour (which happens to be 2:30 am) it’s due to short term insomnia and anxiety. I suppose at this moment I should be thrilled I didn’t wake in the throes of one of my more vicious enemies, the 3 a.m. panic attack.

My heart isn’t pounding, I’m not fighting to breathe or drenched in cold sweat. But something is bothering me and it is enough the keep me awake tonight.

Did I mention that I hate to be awake in the middle of the night?

It brings reminders of days I would much rather forget. Sure, the house isn’t full of people talking over each other in a drug induced certainty that we know all the world’s issues AND how to solve each and every one, not realizing in the morning that we will just be paranoid, sleep deprived idiots lucky enough not to have killed ourselves this time.

This night, still some thirty years later, finds me in my corner of the couch already drinking coffee since I know I won’t be going back to sleep. I am writing this post in hopes of expelling, at least temporarily, the demons that I fight even in slumber. At least this time they haven’t crippled me to the point where I am struggling not to wake my husband, begging him to make it go away or considering calling 911 because I’m convinced this is the heart attack I’ve been waiting to happen for years now. My children sleep in their rooms, still hours to go before they need to wipe the sleep from their own eyes and get about their days.

So I sit where I find comfort, in the ‘worn to the shape of my butt’ corner of the leather La-Z-Boy couch and I write words for whoever might be listening and hope that someone will say, ‘Me too.’

Not because I want someone else to feel this same lack of control over their own thoughts and feelings or because I want them to be lying awake perpetuating the cycle considering all the things that will be wrong today because they didn’t get enough sleep.

I just don’t want to be alone. I despise my own company in the middle of the night. I catastrophize. Seriously….we are out of pickles and hand soap.

I wish I could anticipate these issues. In reality I should have. We have had sickness in the house, the flu or another virus running the course of our house, touching everyone in its wake and has had two kids home from school for days at a time, Jeff is leaving again today for the fourth time in as many weeks. I’ve been sick and behind on all things which are piling up to become the mountains I loathe. (Actually they are hills. Tiny mounds really. But perhaps you know). It’s the lack of control, the disorder of things normally ordered and routine.

I’m certainly not solving any world problems, or local ones for that matter, tonight. I’m also apparently not sleeping since it’s time for me to wake my husband so he can get on the road. Again.

In the light of the day I will be able find the patience I need to claim my rational, sane side once more and I will likely forget this happened.

Until next time.

photo credit: Victor Porof via photopin cc

20 thoughts on “Awake”

            1. Getting there Bethie, getting there…it’s a long road out of hell and I’ve a little way to go yet Darl…I know you care…I know you’d care if you knew…but…well, you know, it’s hard sometimes. I’m reading again, at least…and even writing again. S’all good.

              Liked by 1 person

              1. *huggles*
                A shit ton of people care about you, and I’m glad you’re crawling your way back up, writing, reading. It’s good to see you around the blogosphere. I need to get email notifications of your new posts cuz I treat my reader like an abandoned child! Ugh. I’ll remedy that ASAP.
                *gently kisses your cheek* hang in there. You got this.

                Liked by 1 person

                1. If you’re trying to make my mascara run you’re going the right about it Missy. Huggles (a little bit too desperately) accepted…gentle cheek kisses absorbed with appropriate, yet seemingly uncharacteristic, bashfulness. Love you Bethie, you’ve made my night darlin’.

                  Liked by 1 person

      1. Look at this love-fest! I love it! Any time you two want to come here and chat is just fine with me…this was awesome. RED, hope you’re doing better, my friend. I’m home now and ready to catch up on your story.

        Adore you both!

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Ikr, me n Bethie just lovin on each other…I bet you do that for people in real life too hey Sands. Yep, posted Part 7 last night, working on Part 8 now. Welcome home Lovely


  1. It is very disconcerting to find yourself awake in the night when you should be sleeping like everyone else. I got up at 5 am. the other day…unable to go back to sleep until my normal wake time which is between 7:30 and 8:00. Stuff on my mind I guess. Too much we cannot control and don’t know how to not think about. sighs.


    1. See, I don’t mind 5am. That’s pretty normal for me actually. It’s the 2 and 3 am wake ups that kill me. I feel like I am the only person on the planet. You hit the nail on the head…it’s always when things feel out of control or on their way there. It even happened to me while we were away but I can blame part of that on the five hour time difference, too.

      Good to see you here, Dani! I’m really enjoying getting to know you. I have a lot of catching up to do so I’m sure you’ll see me around!

      Liked by 1 person

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