And I’ll let it be known
At times I have shown
Signs of all my weakness
But somewhere in me
There is strength    –    Relient K

It happens every time I am getting ready to leave on a trip far from home. Something in my mind just trips the switch and I get crazy. Angry crazy. Stupid crazy. Irrational crazy. Paralyzing crazy.

My perfectionism, my need for control, my need for all people and all things to be in all their right places, and my ability find and throw a monkey wrench into every aspect of a plan……

These things are my kryptonite.

As an introvert, I don’t stray far from home. But every once in a while, as a member of a family who craves adventure and amazing new sights I must leave the safe confines of my home and my five mile radius. I love the idea of going somewhere new; seeing lovely sights, eating decadent and different foods, seeing wonders not in the above mentioned five mile radius and making memories with my husband and children. The actual doing is a whole different animal.

I am weak. I am afraid. Of what?

Outside these walls, I have no control. Without it, my imperfections are visible and I am vulnerable, a state I find most unpleasant and completely unacceptable.

While the ‘suck it up’ and ‘never let ‘em see how you really feel’ mentality I grew up in has its advantages at times, it has done nothing to serve me in learning how to deal with uncertainty and how to take risks. Sure, I do both of these things. But I don’t do them well. At least not on the inside. You see the smile in the photos, maybe even a little campiness. The internal picture is much different.

It is a fight. Each and every time.

I realize that this need for perfection is limiting. It causes anxiety, depression, and isolation. I manage to make it through most situations with an attitude of ‘fake it ‘til you make it’ but the cost is immense. I feel like I have gone five rounds in the octagon and afterward I am spent and suffer true post-traumatic stress.

This makes me sound insane.

Mostly, it makes me angry.

These ridiculous issues have the capability of stopping me from enjoying every moment of a life that is likely half over. I spent the first half standing up against the wall declining nearly all offers to dance, rarely stepping into the arena. I don’t want to live like this anymore.

I want to be all in. I want to know that I can do things and if I fail, I have failed triumphantly. I don’t want to care what other people think of me because in reality, it is none of my business. I want the smile to be genuine and the laughter to be so lengthy and strong that the muscles of my belly rebel. I want my children to look back on the photos one day and say, ‘That was the greatest trip ever.’

About every single one of them.

My perfectionism, control, and cynicism? It’s all shield and armor.

From fear.

Fear of failing.

Fear of never trying.

Fear of regret.

Fear of death.

Fear of life.

Today I am making a conscious decision to wield my sword and smash the bloody kryptonite. I will run and leap into the arena and should I stumble and fall, I will get up, dust myself off and leap again.

I am not fool enough to think that I can smash what has been building up for years upon years in one fell swoop. I may only take out a chink or two.

But, oh, what if I can?

37 thoughts on “Kryptonite”

    1. I’m normally not a cynic either. It’s a definite by-product of the perfectionism and the stress of a situation. I think a lot more people than I imagined can relate to these feelings.


  1. Oh my Darling American, you have no idea how much this made me smile…not all the challenge and difficulty which has held you captive so far, and certainly not the fear which has left you feeling defeated, but your glorious determination not to let it WIN, not in the end.

    You are an enigma, my dear, and I feel like each time I begin to think I have you pegged, you reveal some new depth to your person, which has to go into the mix and re-frame my picture of you. I am so, so glad you’re back to blogging. I missed that while you weren’t.

    You are immensely brave to take on this fight. But equally you are immensely strong – you will battle, and oh, what if you fly? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Why do I always feel like you write my heart? I have tears in my eyes right now. I am glad you’re back. You touch me so deeply. Every time 💕💕💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have no answer to the why but I’m glad that I do. I know I love that moment when I read something and it just hits home. I’m glad to be back and this comment makes me know it was the absolute right choice. Thank you, Val, for being here.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Sometimes, for me as a fellow introvert, it’s not so much fear of going out or away from home, but fear oh having my energy sapped. I get overwhelmed easily and tend to want to conserve my energy. Family trips offer no escape for solitude. We are often in a car together, in a hotel together, doing things together without any break. You might find that is part of your avoidance too. A lot of the perfection revolves around trying to set up a situation so I don’t feel zapped afterwards. The control is all about trying to reduce the anxiety. I see the same characteristics in my four year old. She needs breaks and solitude. On trips to visit family she has melt downs if we don’t make sure she gets the time she needs. She doesn’t like to try things without observing for a while first. It all makes perfect sense when I think about her, but I am much harder on myself. I think we need to have more compassion for the way we are wired. You aren’t insane. You may have some social anxiety, but you aren’t alone! I think that happens to introverts fairly often because we are expected to behave as an extrovert and were probably teased as children. It makes us fearful as adults. Have you read the book “Quiet” yet? It really helped me better understand myself and gave me some confidence to both let go and to accept myself more.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think part of my anxiety is the impending 14 hour flight with four kids. One is actually an adult at 18 but sometimes more difficult to manage than the rest since, you know, she knows everything. I am truly hoping that none of my kids have these issues but I do worry about my son. He seems to have some of the same tendencies but we shall see. I will have to read that book. As a matter of fact I think I will head to Amazon as soon as I am done here. Thank you for the suggestion.


  4. You are awesome and while I know that at times it will SUCK and suck big and suck badly, you can do this. You can leap into it and do it and when you fall, we will be here to land a hand, a shoulder, a virtual hug, and a “Hellz Yeah, Girl!” You are brave. You are strong. You’ve got this. I know it.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. As I read this, an image popped into my head of the globe in “Scarface” that says “The World Is Yours”. Don’t ask me why but it was there. And like a Kryptonite free world, it’s all yours!! Love yourself. Despite the love of our kids, spouses, friends, we only have ourselves first. You are one amazing lady!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh wow! I haven’t seen that movie in ages but I know exactly what you’re talking about! I may struggle a little but I’m going to do my best to let things go. I imagine if I practice at it enough one of these days it will click. Thanks for always being so supportive, Barb.


  6. You’ve said it before, and I’ll echo your words here. We ARE the same person. I can’t think of how many days I’ve ruined for my family because of my need to control.
    What you’ve written here will be my mantra. Thank you for leading me over to your new site. It looks fabulous and I love your message…almost as much as I love you! xoxox


    1. I told you so! I am trying desperately to hold it together this week and I have moments when I feel I’m doing pretty good. Sadly, the closer Friday gets the worse it will get. I can feel the beast just under my skin, poking around for a way to get out. I’m going to try just breathing in and out all day long, tackling on thing at a time, and letting go. We shall see…..

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That danged beast! I have today off, so I’m heading to the boxing ring. I’m just gonna go try to beat mine up.
        I’ll be sending you happy vibes and prayers this week…you got this!


  7. “I want to be all in. I want to know that I can do things and if I fail, I have failed triumphantly. I don’t want to care what other people think of me because in reality, it is none of my business.”

    Wow!! This really spoke to me. I have often operated out of fear and it is horrible. I’ve realized that feeling fear is normal, but succumbing to fear and letting it run your life is not. It is a fine like to walk, of course, but this year I have covenanted (with myself) to make choices based on heart not fear.

    Blessings to you as you do the same, Sandy.

    With thanksgiving,


    1. Thank you, Dani. Of all things, having others say to me that they know where I am and how I feel gives me the push I need. It always amazes me when I write something like this and I wait for the criticism…and it never comes. Thank you for your wonderful encouragement!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think it’s pretty hard to criticize when we’re all plugging holes in our own life boats. At least it is for me…oh, and pleased to “meet” you 🙂


  8. I get this. I get you. Let’s take out a chunk before we hit fifty, ok? Let’s not lose one more moment to anxiety and control.

    It’s time we take that power back for the next half of our life. Xoxo

    Love the new blog babe.


  9. I felt like I was reading something from my own head! My hubs has never understood my need to control all things & how it affects me when I’m forced outta the house that is my comfort zone, & I’ve struggled for a way to explain it all through the years. I’m making him read this as soon as he wakes up because it’s so perfectly describing of all the chaos I hold inside.


    1. I’ve gotten that quite a bit and I’m thinking you may be on to something with having your husband read it. Sometimes, as understanding as he is, I wonder if my own husband doesn’t think he married the only nut in the world. So happy to hear you liked the post and sorry that you can empathize. But, hey….at least we’re not alone.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. It’s funny how alone in our minds we believe we are until someone comes & reveals their hand & you realize your not the only one holding a full house! I only wish my app would load properly so i could like this too, but my buttons never load!

        Liked by 1 person

  10. You are not alone, Sandy. I also get crazy before every trip – and I have to have every move planned out. How long will the travel take? What hotel will we stay in? (don’t forget to make the reservations!) What will we do once we get there (buy any tickets we need in advance). Do I have every little thing I might possibly need in case of emergency? (I travel with a fully stocked first aid kit). One of my goals for this year is to take a trip with no planning – just get in my car, pick a direction, and drive. I’ll stop when I’m tired, finding the nearest hotel or sleeping in my car. I’ll eat when I’m hungry and spontaneously detour for anything that looks worth seeing without over-thinking it. When the weekend is half over, I’ll turn around and come back (taking a slightly different route). I’ll let you know how that goes if I make it back alive.


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